As I write this, I’m actively training for the Sacramento marathon this December.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s been tough but I’m taking this new approach where I just relax and go.  If I miss a workout, oh well, I focus on the next opportunity I will have to run.  When I go running now, I wear my Garmin watch but I don’t really look at it, I focus on the Golden Gate Bridge, the Bay and the sailboats.  I’m enjoying it more and more.  I’m absolutely thrilled that my BFF from high school is going to come out to visit and run some of the marathon with me. 

When I started this blog, it was all about defining my “new normal”.  Some days I think I’m there and other days just seem like a disaster.  What I do know is that “normal” is whatever we decide to make of it.  You have the ability to choose how you see everything that happens in your life.  It is so powerful.  I sincerely hope that anyone reading this can remember that.  Choose to be positive, choose to acknowledge the negative and then choose to move forward.  That’s my new normal.

Thank you to all the readers and folks that posted comments.  It’s been a wonderful opportunity to blog for LUNA and one that I will never, ever forget.

Follow me on twitter @ kellykoliver

I have mixed emotions about this month because everywhere I look there is something pink.  Depending on my mood, I can get a bit irritated when I see the pink ribbon.  I wish I never had to go through cancer, I wish I still had enough hair to put in a ponytail, I wish my left arm wasn’t constantly numb and I wish I didn’t wake up early every morning with pain and could go for a run like I used to.  I wish, I wish, I wish…blah, blah, blah….

I have learned so many things about myself and gained so much perspective by going through breast cancer.  Even with all the things I’d wish “away”, I am still so incredibly grateful that I found the lump, I had access to the best possible care (in the world) and am being brave and never giving up.

This brings me to the only advice I really ever give out about breast cancer….drum roll puhleeeeze………..

1. Get some exercise!
2. Do your self-exams!

My chances of surviving cancer were very good because I found the lump early (stage 2) and I was in good physical condition when diagnosed.  If you learn nothing else from Breast Cancer Awareness month, I hope you take my advice.  Let me know if you do, it will make me happy.  [Oh, and one more thing, if you do find something, don’t doubt yourself, and don’t “feel stupid” if you go to the doctor and it’s nothing.  Taking good care of you is not stupid.]

There are a lot of GOOD things that go along with the seeing pink ribbon this month: 

First, I reflect one of the biggest athletic accomplishment of my life so far (finishing an Ironman Wisconsin while in chemo).  It gives me strength and reminds me to get exercise and punch cancer in the face every day.  Note, I wore pink on that day.

   

Second, I’m a huge football fan and I LOVE seeing the NFL’s “Crucial Catch” campaign.  Seeing those big football guys wearing pink with their game day uniforms makes me feel like they are helping crush cancer.  Thank you guys!!!  GO CHICAGO BEARS!!!

More importantly, there are some really amazing opportunities for all of us to get educated and help so many women (and men) going through breast cancer right now.  Donations you make and time you take to help has real impact on cancer fighters.  While I was going through cancer treatment, I would get an email that someone made a donation or participated in an event to support breast cancer and I was so touched.  It really made me feel like I had such a support system.  I still feel that way today.

….and FINALLY….pink has ALWAYS been one of my favorite colors to wear; proof is my prom dress from 1988!  OMG!  How horrific is this?  LOL!!!!!  Gotta love the 80s!!!!  (Jenny, I’m so sorry for this photo but it is simply priceless). 

1. I got to do a webcast with Tyler Stewart about being “gluten free.”  I was nervous but it was a great fun and afterward, I felt really good about sharing info that may help some other gals out there.

2. I went to a new dentist in San Francisco and he found a cavity.  He offered to take care of it right there so I didn’t have to come back for another appointment.  While I was NOT happy about the cavity, I decided to focus on how cool that was of the dentist to fix it for me and make life easy for me.

3. I signed up for a marathon in December.  I’m not going to pressure myself to train to a specific goal; I’m just going to have fun with it. 

4. I got back in the saddle again & started riding my bike indoors.  It was hard but being surrounded by positive people in the class made it easier.

So pretty much – I just “let it go.”  Being in a Rut or bummed out is really exhausting, I and I think it’s because one is thinking too much about everything. 

So now what’s next?  I’m running and riding like I was before but with an improved attitude and more enthusiasm.  I’m keeping my diet on track and if I have any slip ups, I just let it go and keep moving forward.  I’m looking forward to my marathon in December but not stressing out about it. 

On a side note, I celebrated my 39th birthday last night with my Super Husband in Chicago.  As I reflected back on what my life has been like in the last 4 years (breast cancer, chemo, radiation, pain, yada yada yada) I realized that I have a lot to be happy about.  My goal for my 39th year is to minimize the ruts and stay focused on the good stuff…and when you can’t find the good stuff, don’t believe it.  It’s out there and you’ll find it.  Keep trying! 

When I graduated from college, I started my career out in application development & consulting.  I tend to think of things in an “if, then…else” statement because I spent a lot time coding it. It’s simple and to the point.  I can sum up the last 60 days in life trying to find the right code to lift my spirits. 

IF you feel in a rut [ Then ]
  [ ignore it ]

[ ElseIf still in rut [ Then ]
  [ avoid everyone ] ]

[ Else
  [ sleep alot ] ]

[ Else
  [ drink wine ] ]

[ Else
  [ buy a new pair of beautiful boots ] ]

[ Else
  [ keeping trying ] ]
End If

While the above is my attempt to humor how life has been over last few months, it has taken me all these actions to realize that I’m in a rut and bummed out.  Maybe I need to define my next goal, maybe I need a vacation or maybe I’m stressed…I don’t know.  I’ve tried everything that I do normally (ignore it, avoid people, take naps, eat, shop…) but nothing has worked.  I tried visiting family and friends, I tried complaining and whining and I tried to force myself out of it.  Still nothing.

What I did not try was just waiting it out.  Continue to do all the things that I think may work and trust the process.  At the end of the day, you have to go THROUGH it to get OUT of it.  And that’s just what I’m doing.  I’m starting to see signs that things are getting better.  I did an outdoor run with a friend this past weekend (I asked her to run) and I did a 5 miler on the treadmill after a stressful day at work.  Good stuff.

Sometimes if feels like a rut will never end and you don’t know why it even started.  Do what you can.  Be nice to yourself.  Don’t force it and don’t let people force you.  Acknowledge the good and keep trying!

I’d love to add your “else” statement to my code so what do you do to get out of a rut?

P.S. including picture of the fabulous new boots!

My best friend from High School, Jenny, who never lets me down with her witty sense of humor, superb fitness level and supreme culinary talent (she makes the best flounder I have ever had).

Another great thing about Michigan is the best blueberries you will ever find anywhere… and of course, the best football team and college stadium on the planet.  GO BIG BLUE!

Like most of us, I try to eat healthy and have really put a lot of energy into changing up my diet since my breast cancer diagnosis and recovery.  I never had great relationships with food because no matter what I ate, I had stomachaches.  So I would avoid eating and then make bad choices because I was so hungry later. 

Right before I was diagnosed I was tested for celiac (“see-lee-ak”) disease.  It’s pretty common and there are many extremes levels.  For me, it just meant that I was likely allergic to wheat and needed to cut that out of my diet as much as I can.  In other words I eat “gluten free.”  Coincidentally, there are now studies going on about the connections between Celiac disease and breast cancer.  Another great reason to keep donating to your charity of choice to help keep studies like this to help us find preventative measures and cures.

One of the things I noticed while in Michigan was how easy it was to slip back into eating “whatever”.  Below are some examples:

The local bakery had some AMAZING baked goods.  But none were gluten free.

I enjoyed this scrumptious rascal (a lemon tart) with Jenny after a giant meal of Polish food.

No, I did not eat this Pickle Loaf.  It was just so disgusting that I had to take a photo of it at the grocery.  Seriously, who eats this?  I cannot believe the store sells this.  I can barely look at it.  (No offense to the “Koegel’s” brand.)

In addition to the Pickle Loaf, I was blown away by the offerings at the local grocery store.  I grew up on Fruit Roll Ups, HoneyCombs, and Chips Ahoy so I’m not criticizing; but when I walked out of the store, I realized how many items came in “boxes” instead of their natural skin from the earth.  Most of the food was manufactured and unnatural.

Where I live now (San Francisco), I believe it’s easier to eat healthy because I’m surrounded by it.  There typically is a farmers market where you can get fresh goods just about every day of the week.  Most restaurants focus on quality ingredients and follow ethical practices for organic choices.  I guess it is sort of expected from the first major city to ban the McDonald’s Happy Meal.

Here is how I started to rework my diet.  I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be.  I still like Snickers, Coke and Peeps but now I’m super aware of when I eat something like that and I don’t overdo it.

(1) Before you eat something, ask yourself, “Did this (or the ingredients) come from the Earth?”  Sounds simple but this really helped me.  I realized about 90% of what I was eating was manufactured.  If you’re “opening” your food instead of cutting into it, it’s probably manufactured.  I know food from the earth takes longer to prepare and you’re probably starving coming home from work but just give it a shot, you’re worth it.

(2) Support your local farm (or farmer’s market) and arrange a “box” of fresh food to be put together for you.  This helps local economies thrive and you will eat better food that is in season.  You may also learn about new foods.  We received target=“none”>this crazy looking vegetable in our box and had no idea what it was!  We ate it with olive oil, salt and pepper and it was awesome.

(3) Try to make great garbage.  I used to fill up a garbage can faster than you can say, “Little Debbie Snack Cake”.  Cereal boxes, granola bar boxes, etc.  Now when I make dinner I try to make my garbage look great.  It’s pretty much just the butts of vegetables and some other stuff.  By making great garbage you’ll be eating well and helping the environment with less trash. 

Garbage from tonight’s dinner (note: wine bottle(s) are in the recycle bin!)   

If you read this and can take the time to comment on what you’re doing to eat from the Earth or some creative meals ideas.  Try it for one day and then build from there if fall off the wagon, just chalk it up and move forward to the next day!

Sarah is also one of the women I really admire in my life because her courage, confidence and positivity.  She lost her father to cancer right before I met her in college.  Her loss was before any of the cool cancer awareness orgs were well known (Livestrong, Imerman Angels etc).  When I saw the “Johnson’s Beach” sign, I felt a tick of Sarah’s courageousness in me; I knew it was going to be a good day for my race swim.  Thank you Sarah!! 

We settled into our room at the lovely West Sonoma Inn about a half mile from the race start.  I hit the local Safeway grocery for some healthy snacks (turkey, romaine lettuce, green peppers, carrots, hummus, corn tortillas, strawberries, naners…) to make sure my intake was solid with good calories.  Lots of water and a good night’s sleep. 

After packet pick up, we wind down and then head to Bar Agriculture for pre race meal.  I went for protein – BIG TIME.  The great thing about racing is you can pretty much eat whatever your body will let you.  My body said “GO MEAT!” and I did with a nice glass of wine.  Sorry my vegetarian friends but I ate it ALL! 

 

After that hearty meal, I got all prepped and hit the sack for a good night sleep.  My nerves were in check and my body felt good. 

RACE DAY MORNING – Sunday, July 17, 2011

SuperHusband, returns with a grande Starbucks coffee for me while I am eating breakfast and mentally preparing.  I felt nervous and anxious.  We pack up and head out around 6:45am to walk to Johnson’s beach.  The weather is low 60s and slightly overcast.  Perfect race weather.  I can’t believe the day is about to start…I’m sort of in disbelief that I’m doing this race now because 2 years ago I was in chemo.  Below is a pic of me leaving the hotel on the way to the start line.  I look at this picture today and feel like I look so unsure of myself!  Also wondering why I chose the neon orange shirt that morning?  Good grief, you can see that shirt from outer space!

THE SWIM:

I rack my bike in transition and wait with David for my swim wave to start.  I see LUNA ProTyler Stewart (superstar pro) in the crowd walking toward me.  She’s the one who has been coaching and believing in me since January. I thought seeing her would make me more nervous but it really helped me feel calm and confident.  Thank you Tyler for being there and getting me to the start line! 

I will never, ever, ever forget the morning of this race.  Surrounded by friends and my husband, I honestly felt like life was normal again.  I was just another nervous athlete lining up to start.  Cancer, Surgery, Chemo, Radiation, Scars, Sadness was all fading.  People were laughing and joking with me about my uneven “spray tan”.  It was great.  I waded into the Russian River breathing deep and blowing air out with puffed cheeks.  I was ready to roll.  Let’s go!!

I started with the front of my swim wave which I learned can be good and bad.  Good because I got out in front of slower swimmers (150 gals in my wave) bad because I’m not as strong as those ladies.  I got punched a bit, kicked a bit and goggles knocked off but I just stayed focused and kept swimming.  I look back now and thinkl, it was a decent swim for me, my body responded well and I finished feeling good and heard Tyler & David yelling for me upon my swim exit.  1.2 mile swim in 38 minutes.  I got my smile on and started to get ready for the bike.

THE BIKE – 56 miles

The bike is the toughest part of the race for me.  I bought my first road bike in 2008 right before I was diagnosed with breast cancer so I don’t have that much strength or experience yet.  Nonetheless, I am determined to get stronger!  The bike course is stunning and lovely.  Wine country at its most elegant and natural state, not too many hills, and just one steep one called Chalk Hill. 

I had to keep my mind really focused on eating every 15 minutes and I told myself to “party” every 5 miles.  Sounds silly but it helped me chip away at the 56 miles.  Just keep moving forward and try to have fun is what went through my head.  Needless to say, it’s hard for me to stay focused on the bike.  I was pushing myself to finish the bike around 3 hours and finished in 3:17 feeling good and ready to run (my favorite part of the race). 

I owe so much of the bike finish to my SuperHusband who would ride outdoors with me and was unconditionally supportive.  David stayed with me on rides when he could have ridden harder, faster and stronger for himself.  He was empathetic when I was in pain; he told me I looked cute in spandex & a helmet (which we all know is not true for anyone, really) and he carried stuff in his bike jersey pockets for me.  He made me breakfasts, lunches and dinners.  He went grocery shopping, did laundry and never complained once.  When I doubted myself, he told me I could do this and I would be successful.  I was pedaling the bike during the race with David’s heart beating inside me the entire time.  I would not have made it to the START or FINISH line without David.

THE RUN – 13.1 miles

I am at home on the run!  I love running and look forward to continuing to get my body back so I can keep running the rest of my life.  I want to be one of the 70 year old ladies that still does races and passes people.  I was excited and happy to be on the run course.  I was a little worried about the run because I was struggling since April with chronic pain in my legs, shoulder and hips.  Running is hard on the body but it makes you tougher! 

I started to thinking about mile 13, oh man, was I going to make it?  Would I have to walk some of this?  NO!  I don’t want to have to walk any part of this.  Alright, alright….let’s calm down now, Kelly.  Get to mile 1 and then see how it goes.  Well, it went pretty well.  By mile 10; I was hot, tired and speechless.  Tyler came by with a video cam and I couldn’t find words, all I was thinking “10 get to 11”.  Then “11 get to 12”.  Just one by one, tick off the miles.  I could feel a set of nasty blisters pulsating on my right toe and I remember thinking “this is still better than a day in the hospital in chemo.”  LOL.

THE FINISH LINE!

My goal for this race was to have fun and try to finish in 6 hours.  I’m happy to report I did both!  A big smile and 5:57 finish time.  I barely remember the finish but I was looking for David as I crossed the line.  I saw him, my friends Cam, Diane and Kerstin, and coach Tyler.  Exiting the finisher area, I see David and fall into him.  Covered in sweat and salt with my medal hanging on me;  he hugs me hard and we both hold back tears because this is not really a finish line – it’s my new start back from cancer.  A new start to believing in myself, gaining confidence in what I can do as a cancer survivor.

My friends rush over with flowers, praise and unrelenting compliments.  Tyler asks me what I think and all I can say is “WOW!” 

There are never the right words to say when saying thank you.  I have to take a shot at it because it took so many people to get me to the start and finish line on race day.

• Microsoft Corporation – Thank you for the amazing health care benefits you provide to your employees. 
• LUNA – The wonderful products and the opportunity to blog about my experiences.  I would never have finished the race without either of them.
• John H. —Thanks for the work-life balance that allowed me to do this race. 
• Bruce – You inspired me to keep going when you started physical therapy.  Thank you & keep at it!
• Zody – The cards, the positive energy, the video cam.  Too much!
• Cam – You make cycling fun for me.  Thanks for always navigating and for feeding me.
• Claudia & Bob – Thank you for always taking time in the hall to ask how training was going.
• Jeff W. –  Peace of mind for me because Ridge was with you.  Thank you!
• Andy T. – The body cooperated on race course because of all your hard work.  Thanks!
• Tyler – Pain, pride and power zones.  You taught me how to manage them all with a little more grace. 
• David – There are no words to describe how grateful I am for you in my life.  Love you.  xoxoxxoo.

FINISHED!!!....but just starting

At some point during my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, my dear friend, Kirsten Swanson invited me to join her for a run with the “Luna Chix”.  I was grumpy and unfit but Kirsten said “come on, just come out and see what you think”.  I showed up that Monday evening for smooth and easy 3 mile run with the Luna Chix in Chicago and was unaware of the impact these women would have on my life.

First, I met Beth.  She’s a mother of three, and runs her own business & runs marathons and recently qualified for the Boston Marathon!  Pretty unbelievable.  She is one of the most upbeat, happy and genuine people I know.  I developed a relationship with Beth and when I decided to move to San Francisco, she was the person I asked to represent us and sell our home.  I have Luna Chix to thank for introducing me to someone that I completely trusted and admired.  Note:  she sold our house faster than we expected and we actually made money during the real estate slumber.  Shes’ goooood!

Next, I met Kimberly…but I met her while doing a run with the San Francisco Luna Chix.  Turns out she became a great advisor to me on my move from Chicago (she used to live there) and ended up becoming one of my first friends in the Bay Area.  She is an amazing, up and coming in her industry and she sets the world on fire!!!  Remember the name Kimberly Petska….you’ll see her someday changing the world.

Lastly, I have to mention my friend Kirsten Swanson.  She encouraged me to come out and just try being there and having some fun.  I showed up out of respect for our friendship but I ended up coming back because it made me feel better.  It was some real exercise I could do during cancer.  I actually got to the point where I was able to get strong enough to run/walk the Boston marathon that year.  Luna Chix was the just the “push” I needed to get me started.  Lots of positive energy, great quality women and tons of support.  I also learned a significant amount the Breast Cancer Fund, which fights to identify & eliminate environmental risks that cause cancer. 

I just wanted to remind everyone out there that my situation is not special, and there are so many Luna Chix programs out there across the US – and they are always forming more.  Do you want one in your city?  Write in to Luna and tell them!!  In the meantime, take the opportunity to “put yourself out there” and go play with the Luna Chix…either a run, bike or one of the events they put on.  You’ll meet some amazing women and you’ll likely have a memorable impact on someone there that really needs it. 

…As for me…Sunday, July 17th was my “big” race and as I mentioned, it was my first real race back since chemo.  I proudly wear my Luna gear and remember the spirit, hope and motivation I received from them in the past.  I hope you’ll take the opportunity to find out more about Team Luna Chix and get your friends, daughters, moms, sisters to come out and play sometime soon!

...coming up next…Vineman Race Report!

The day started out with a 4am wake up in San Francisco, SuperHusband (David), me and our dog (Ridge) all pile into the Audi A3 and head out at 5:45am to get to the race.  We arrive right on time at 6:45am and I rack my bike and get all set up, leaving the transition area right at 7am.  Before I walk out, I get a text from SuperHusband that there are “NO DOGS ALLOWED” in the park.  Ridge has to wait in the car for us.  He’s not happy about that. I’m not happy either.

As we line up for the swim start, I see two good friends that make me feel motivated…one is Deanna, who is doing her very FIRST EVER triathlon and the other is Amy who did a long course triathlon (1 Mile Swim - 56 Mile Bike - 9 Mile Run) THE DAY BEFORE!  These two superwomen really inspire me and I’m feeling good as we get ready to start the race. 

Our swim wave starts at 7:22am and goes as planned, we all make it out of the water and even though it wasn’t my best swim time, I had some fun out there.  Funny…I cannot swim straight; I think I ended up swimming an extra few meters here and there but oh well, just keep going!

Out of the swim with a high five from SuperHusband and on to the bike.  The bike is the toughest part of the race for me.  This race was flat and fast and I was happy about NO big California hills to climb.  I’m on the bike and I’m off and rolling!

Here’s where the fun begins…I’m jockeying back and forth with some other ladies for position, one particular gal doesn’t speak but continues to pass me then drop back.  This goes on for about 7 miles.  I forget all about my goal of having fun and decide I want to beat her.  I must beat her to the bike finish.  I take off and really let it fly.  Completely leaving her in the dust, I’m just rolling along!  Awesome!!!  See ya!!!!

Over the one hill in the race course and I’ve got about 8 miles to finish.  Legs are tired and I notice my bike feels sluggish.  Hmmmm.  What’s going on with me?  I look back.  MY BACK TIRE IS FLAT! How long has it been flat?  I don’t know….I only have 8 miles to go and I don’t want to stop and let this girl finish in front of me.  I keep riding on the flat.  I’m now slowed down to about 15mph.  It’s all I can do to turn the corners and NOT wipe out.  I start to worry about wrecking my beautiful wheel rims.  5 miles to go.  Still riding and trying to keep speed, here comes the gal I dusted earlier.  She flies by me and passes me.  I can’t get any more speed and roll in to the bike finish a few minutes behind her.  ARGH!!!! 

Off the bike and onto the run.  I yell to SuperHusband “I FLATTED AT MILE 17!!”  He cracks up laughing and another high five and I’m off for the six mile run.  I love the run; it’s my favorite part of triathlons.  I run off with my sleeve of Strawberry CLIF Bloks (love them!) and a quick thought that maybe that bike flat was a (cruel?) reminder of what I’m here for…FUN.

I end up running nice and relaxed.  Munching my CLIF Bloks along the 6 miles at an 8:20ish pace.  When I approach the finish line of the race, the announcer (and really cool guy) Nick Tuttle gives me a CRAZY BIG shout out.  “KELLY OLIVER FROM SAN FRANCISCO!!!!”  His voice is booming loud and I swear the entire crowd starting cheering like I was VIP.  I crack up laughing and cross the line with a HUGE smile on my face.  With an official time of 2:52, I felt good and enjoyed every moment of it!

When you have the opportunity to have some fun, relax and enjoy it! 

But balancing life and work has always been a big challenge for me.  I tend to over rotate on the work and then the life balance gets all out of whack.  I get stressed out, my body tenses up and I don’t sleep well.  Then I’m drinking coffee and eating carbs the next day to stay awake.  I get grouchy and negative.  It’s a crazy cycle!  I know so many of you reading this can relate to this as well.  As much as I hate to think about it, I do believe that the lack of work life balance and stress I had in my life was a contributing factor to my breast cancer diagnosis.

I won’t claim to have the answers to work life balance but I will tell you I believe it is POSSIBLE.  While going through breast cancer, I had to be at the hospital EVERY SINGLE DAY at 3:10pm for radiation treatment.  I never thought I could leave the office or schedule my day around this time slot.  It was SO inconvenient!  When you’re life depends on it, you can make it happen.  Sure, some things get moved to back burner for a while but you can make whatever is important to you happen. 

This past weekend I had the opportunity to really reflect on what matters most to me…my husband, David.  While it wasn’t an ideal time to take a couple days off work, I did.  We celebrated his 40th birthday in style with a surprise visit from his family and several friends.  He supported me all morning in a triathlon and then the party started – he had no idea what was in store for him.  Surrounded by family and friends I took a deep breath, dropped my shoulders and just focused on how satisfying it is to give time to the one thing that matters most to me.

My ask of anyone reading this is: 
1. Take a deep breath
2. Drop your shoulders
3. Stretch your neck to side to side
4. Take 15 seconds for yourself

Try it! 
Re charge your battery so you can see the opportunities that are available to you.  Take a moment for yourself and be grateful for all that you do every day. 

Ask yourself:  What is the most important thing to me right now?  How am I balancing it in my life?  I’d love to hear from you!

Since January, I’ve been training for the “Vineman 70.3” triathlon that is coming up in July in Sonoma, CA. Part of my training included doing the Wildflower Triathlon on May 1st. I was really proud to finish but after that race, my mojo dropped and my body went on strike. Lots of pain, restlessness and I found myself really struggling to be confident about anything. 

After the Wildflower race, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with one of my role models, Tyler Stewart (the pro triathlete, not the drummer for Barenaked Ladies…which would also be awesome).  Tyler is one of the most grounded athletes I have ever met and she’s been helping me get in shape for Vineman. Three days after she set the World Record on the bike (112 miles in 4:42) at Ironman Texas, she’s sitting with me (a.k.a. regular person with no world records) in a Starbucks helping me get back on course after breast cancer.

My conversation with Tyler lasted about 2.5 hours, we discussed all sorts of things; like how she manages to own a business and be a pro athlete, how to build mental resiliency and why chocolate milk is so good for you after a workout (carbs & protein…drink up!). I asked Tyler to help me define my goal for the Vineman race…how long should it take me? How fast do you think I can finish? Pretty much, give me the yardstick to measure myself. Here’s how that played out:

Me: “What does success look like for me at Vineman, what should be my goal?”

Tyler: “Kelly, if you have smile across your face and are happy at the finish line that is success”

Me:  (in my head) …huh? She’s ridiculous. A smile? What? Let me ask that again a different way.

Me: (out loud) “Tyler, so I’m going to ride some of the Vineman course this weekend, how fast should I expect to finish it for a training ride?”

Tyler: “Kelly, you need to redefine your success, stop worrying about it, and go have some fun”

Me: (eyebrows raised & nodding)…interesting concept…”success” is whatever makes you happy. Stop analyzing, measuring and planning. Just have some fun.

I took Tyler’s advice to the Vineman bike course this weekend and rode relaxed with my super husband, David, and riding buddy, Kerstin. It was supposed to be a beautiful day in wine country but it started to rain at mile 25 and never let up.  A 70 mile ride that was supposed to be 3-3.5 hours long ended up at about 7 hours. We finished really muddy, really cold and ready for hot showers & food. When I walked back to our hotel room, I came across this little guy that pretty much summed up our whole day. I laughed out loud, really hard and realized how happy I felt even after a long day like this. 

My body is recovering, I am able to ride and run with some pain management techniques (God love ya, Tylenol!!!) but most importantly, I have had another opportunity to remind myself what matters most.  Tyler is right…success is whatever makes you happy. 

You can see I’m smiling in the pictures and the shaved head was actually pretty fun.  I was feeling OK after chemo #1 and having Roberto there with me and my husband, shaving my head on my back deck all just seemed surreal.  If it weren’t for the kindness, patience and sincerity from Roberto, I wouldn’t have had the strength to smile through this part.  I love you dearly, Roberto!

Over the next 2 years I didn’t wear a wig (it gave me a headache); I just wore a hat to keep my head warm.  I went to work bald, I went to Whole Foods bald, and I just didn’t care.  People looked at me but I took it as an opportunity to give them a smile and let them know that I am OK.  Random strangers would come up to me and tell me to “keep fighting”…that genuine act of kindness usually would dissolve me into tears later.  People were just so nice and found ways to show it.  Cancer taught me to listen to the good things people were saying.

The path back from baldness has been really challenging.  There are some really bad hairdressers out there.  I ended up moving from Chicago to San Francisco and without Roberto, I was a mess.  I would text him in tears and ask him what I should do.  He always cheered me up with a response like, “YOU are a beautiful woman!” or, “Some hair is better than no hair!”  He was a constant source of positivity for me and I am so grateful for him. 

After 3 really bad haircuts in San Francisco, I was exhausted telling hairdressers that my hair is regrowing from chemo, blah, blah blah.  It made me anxious and as I fought to feel “normal” again, finding a hairdresser (seems like it should be a simple thing) brought back all the memories of cancer pain.  I just wanted this to be easy!  I had some hair now, what can I do with it??

On a whim and without an appointment, I walked in to diPetro Todd Salon on Fillmore Street in Pacific Heights just around the corner from my house.  I was nervous and couldn’t handle another callous hair-person or experience.  I missed my Roberto, I missed my hair and I just wanted to be normal again.  I asked the receptionist for someone that may have experience or expertise with short hair.  He called Amy from the back room and with my nerves at an all-time high, I told her my story and she went right to work.  She made me comfortable, listened and made suggestions…products, styles, red carpet A-listers were all wearing short hair!  She made me feel so at ease.  I was thrilled!  She not only is talented but also empathetic and warm hearted.  She restored my faith in taking risks in redefining my new normal.  Thank you Amy! 

I wanted to post this blog as a reminder that there are so many opportunities to uncover during difficult moments in your life.  Even just finding someone to cut your hair.  Don’t give up…keep fighting (it’s ok to cry a little bit if you need to)…more importantly, have faith that genuine kindness and goodness is right around the corner for you. 

I have always been woman with a plan.  I love to plan and the elation when something goes “exactly as planned!” is absolute gold to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I can handle deviations here and there but just love it when a well thought out plan gets executed.  At times, my PLANNING SUPERPOWERs have served me well!

When I think about my life over the last three years it’s been liberating and frustrating. Since May 16, 2008 I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out just how I can plan my way out of cancer. How do I plan for when my life gets back to “normal”? Turns out you can’t … you just have to find the opportunities that lie within it and create a new “normal”.  (However… you can plan chemo so you don’t feel sick on the days you have a business review at work, you can plan a double dose of radiation at 6am and again at noon so you can take a vacation to Miami with your husband and BFF, etc)
Opportunities come to us is peculiar ways; mine was breast cancer at age 35.  After three years I’m grateful, optimistic and rebuilding.  I am redefining my new normal and here are a few things that are on my “Plan” these days…with lots more to come.  What’s on yours?

• Visit Italy with my super husband (done!)
• Swim in the San Francisco Bay (wooo weee 51 degreeeeeees!) 
• Ride up a mountain on my new bike (I might rethink this one next time – so hard!)
• Feel good running & race a triathlon again (in progress!)